Chicago Home and Lifestyles – How to keep disagreements civil

It is possible to have a conversation where you don’t agree but neither of you becomes defensive. We can’t always control somebody’s reaction to a situation. It’s natural to defend yourself if you feel your beliefs are being threatened. So, while not everyone who enters a conversation intends to be civil, there are a few things we can do proactively to help the situation. 

Be mindful of your language. Not only bad language but the way we say things can have a great effect. Avoid shaming or blaming the other person; even using the words “you should” can cause someone to become angry or defensive. Perhaps a person is not entirely confident in their position on a matter. So, always think before you speak.

Avoid telling someone else what to do, how to feel, or give unsolicited advice. In society today, we are sometimes so focused on getting our own ideas out that we don’t remember there are other perspectives to consider. Share your experience, and use just those words, “This has been my experience”. Be willing to be vulnerable and to expect the other party to push back. When you do get pushback it’s good to diffuse the situation. You can say, “I might be hitting a nerve, that’s not my intention. If you are uncomfortable, we don’t have to talk about it.” Just keep yourself from getting defensive too. 

Think about your motives before starting a conversation you know might make another defensive. Do you just want to push your position? If the conversation needs to be had, start it out with an open-ended question, “Tell me more about that, I’d like to know your views.” This shows humility, grace, and a sense of openness. If you do this, you have a much better chance of getting a good response rather than a defensive one. If everybody came to the table with the concept of having a civil conversation, the world would be a much better place. 

Kathleen Weaver-Zech and Dean’s Team Chicago